The last year or so has been full of emotional ups and downs for me. But no time was quite as traumatic (and dramatic) as after Christian was born. I felt crazy, to be honest, and extremely overwhelmed. I have always been an emotional person -- flinging myself on the kitchen floor, wailing and carrying on as my mom calmly stepped over and around me to cook dinner (I was a teenager, not a toddler...). But for the past several years I have felt more emotional and less in control over my life and the way I reacted to things. I'd let circumstances become my ruler. I think I underwent a personality shift without even realizing it.
I was flooded with deep thoughts about my life and where I wanted it to go and who I wanted to be as I shopped at Old Navy (for Kate) last week. I had revelation after revelation come to me as I drove home, and I have felt completely different since! I decided that it's time to change my personality -- you can do that, right? I know it's kind of late in the game to pull another personality from the bench, but I'm going to do it. I don't want to feel depressed or offended or angry or scared anymore. It's no way to live, and I'm sure it's no fun to live with.
I want to be patient, kind, loving, willing, and forgiving. I want to get excited about life and live it up! I want to exercise for no one else but ME. I want to be healthy, but never give up chocolate (come on, I can't be a different person). I want a clean house. I want to be spiritual.
I'm not saying any one of these things will just happen overnight. I know they won't. But for the first time, I have a vision in my head of who I am -- who I really am -- and I know I'm going to get there.
The other day I felt motivated enough to exercise. I was still feeling a little sick, so I probably should have waited, but oh well. (I'm going to give it a few more days before I do it again.) I haven't exercised in MONTHS because of the pregnancy. So I popped in a Biggest Loser workout and went to it. Kate joined in, too. There came a part that I always fast forward because I don't like it. It came to that point, and I said out loud, sweat dripping off me, "Ugh. No way. This is too hard." I started to reach for the remote, but then stopped myself as I heard Kate parrot me, "Yeah. It's too hard."
My heart sank. I glanced back at the TV and saw everyone moving to the ground. I turned to her and said, "No. It's not too hard. We can do it." She looked up at me, smiled, and nodded. "Yeah!" And together we walked down on our hands to the floor and got into the push-up position.
5 comments:
jenn, i love your posts. you say things so clearly. they're inspiring. i still struggle (especially after having a new baby)with my "identity" or whatever i should call it. the emotions are raging and i never feel adequate. you articulated perfectly what i have personally felt. i could use some of your drive and perserverence. send some my way, would you?
Perfect pic for the post, Jenn.
I have always been amazed at how willing you are to share of your true self. It really is rare and inspiring. I thought of this quote when I read your post:
"behold, i do not give lectures or a little charity, when i give i give myself."
--walt whitman
Love You.
I read this post quite awhile ago, but have thought of it several times since and realized I probably hadn't commented to say I appreciated what you wrote. It is a great post. It is a great little story about you and Kate too. One surprising thing to me about parenthood is how much I see about myself and what I do reflected in my kids. It is a good motivator to be better.
I'm surprised to find that I never commented on this blog post. I read it and have thought about it since then. It was very inspiring to me. I think since then I have had some similar moments -- times where I could envision the person that I need to become, and how far I am from being that person yet. I love that little story about you and Kate; there is a lot of responsibility in knowing that our kids are going to reflect what we say and do.
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