Disappearing

As I've been losing weight this go-around, Andrew has had different ways of telling me that I look thinner. His preferred method has been to exclaim, "You're disappearing!!" 

It always makes me laugh when he says it, just because it always strikes me as an unusual way of phrasing it. Why not just say, "Hey taai, I can really tell you've lost a lot of weight" or "Dang, girl! You so skinny!" But I realized that his phraseology was actually right on. I am disappearing!! The person I was, in far more ways than just weight, as I've mentioned in previous posts, is fading away. 

Exhibit A:

I went back and dug out my "fat pics" from 2008. I took them because they were required for the Biggest Loser competition I was participating in at the time. I didn't have any special workout clothing to take the pics in -- I didn't even have a swimsuit that fit. So there I am in a swimsuit top that I hadn't worn in quite some time and some Umbro shorts from the 90s against a dark background (everything's black!). The thought of anyone ever seeing the pictures mortified me! I had already lost 8 lbs at this point, and I was honestly already feeling better about myself (until I saw the pictures -- it's true what they say, pictures really don't lie). 

So in May 2008 I was roughly the same size I was in March 2012 when I began exercising again. I didn't take "before" pics in March because, well, it's a horrible experience. But since I have this one from 2008, it works just as well. 

I thought it was important for me to post these -- not because I think I look so great in a swimsuit now (I still have 20+ pounds to go...), but because when I look at these two pictures, I see two different people. On the left is someone miserable, ashamed, and very uncomfortable with who she has become. On the right is someone who is at least starting to get it.

I honestly never thought I'd let the picture on the left see the light of day, but here I am posting it for all to see. It's easier than I thought it'd be because, really, that doesn't feel like me anymore.

Exhibit B:

Last fall I really wanted to take a family picture. We have never been very good at doing that, and I wanted to start doing it annually at least. So we went up in the mountains and took a picture. And I liked it. But now I feel uncomfortable looking at it because I know how uncomfortable I was. I was trying to place Christian in front of me so as to cover as much of me as humanly possible. In the 2012 picture below, Christian is still covering most of me, but it had less to do with strategy and more to do with getting a good picture.

Being in St. George over the weekend was fun, albeit exhausting. But seeing the solar eclipse and the "Ring of Fire" was awesome, and I'm glad we did it. Sometimes "disappearing" is really something to see and remember.

Taken in Japan (AFP, Kazuhiro Nogi)