Won't be back that way again

Over the past week or so, I have noticed something in myself that I feel the need to document. And since I haven't written in my journal for quite some time...I thought I'd share it here because I know you are all sooo fascinated by the entrails of my life. ;)

It sort of amazes me how we experience life. The moments we feel most alive don't often occur when we expect them to (at least for me).

The other day as I was driving around with the kids running errands, which is generally a frazzled time for me, I had a distinct, quiet, prolonged moment of absolute tranquility; I might even call it euphoria. I felt at total peace with myself and with everything around me. I felt elated, patient, loved and full of love, and grateful (as I was driving!). It overwhelmed me, almost to the point of tears. Since that moment, which really lasted most of that day, I realized that I feel that a lot now. I can't remember the last time I felt like that before for any length of time.

I'm used to feeling tired, stressed, frustrated, depressed, worried, scared, overwhelmed, and irritated. Of course, I didn't feel that way ALL the time -- yikes!, but most of the time despite what I'd be saying or doing, that is how I felt on the inside. Sort of a constant state of franticness.

I attribute my happy feelings now in large part to the healthy foods (and lots of water) I've been putting in my body and the exercise I get nearly every day. (Though driving with the windows down on a beautiful day with the sun shining on you and Explosions in the Sky playing doesn't hurt either -- not to mention the sweet, beautiful children in the backseat.) I've always heard people talk about health and "well-being." But I don't think I ever knew what "well-being" really felt like until now. I have energy, I have happy feelings bursting inside me, and I have peace. Just saying the word "peace" to myself gets me teary-eyed.

That vision that I had of myself years ago...I have it again. It's clear in my mind, and I think about it often. Not there yet, of course, but I'm on my way. I'm not going to let it go this time. I'm not going back to who/what I was. The path I'm on now is taking me to where I want to be. And I'm going to get there.

As I was discussing this with Andrew -- my new happy feelings and my desire to live an engaged life -- he quoted Henry David Thoreau to me (from his favorite book, Walden). Is it any wonder I married him?

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion."

It reminded me of what I expressed in my Transforming post, "I want to get excited about life and live it up!" I want to taste the sublime, to know it. I want to say at the end of my life, whenever that may be, that I lived.

Saturday I began a new workout video. I started doing Jillian Michaels' "Ripped in 30" DVD. Holy cow -- I have a feeling I'm going to be "Sore for 30." It's a short workout -- but it really gets ya. Anyway, at the end of the video while she's leading the stretch, she morphs into philosophical Jillian. I tend to like that Jillian better than the "I'm going to make you CRY!" Jillian. Anyway, what she said hit me, and maybe it's simply because she used the word "transformation" that it triggered an emotional response, but I liked it and thought I'd share.

She said,

"Most people don't show up in their own lives.
They go through life every single day without being focused on bringing their 'A' game.
Transformation is not a future event.
It is a present activity.
That is why you must bring everything you have to give in every moment.
And it doesn't have to be perfect.
It's not about perfect.
It's about effort.

Bring that effort every. single. day.
That's where transformation happens.
That's how change occurs."